A blurr

 Do you ever feel like your life is on hold... Things around you are moving fast, progressing. In the big picture, you are evolving too, things are changing for you too - but in a way that makes you feel like they are spinning out of control. Does it ever feel like your heart is stuck in this vacant place where no one ever visits - or you don't allow them to visit.

Why me? Why anyone else? Why ... why ... why... The existential dread sets in.

Sleep knocks my eyelids, begging them to close. Sleep is a friend I need, a spell of nothingness, like dying without there being heaven or hell, or angels waiting with questions. I embrace it, it envelops me back.
I pray we meet again in my dream and I pray that I remember it when I wake up.
A glimmer of hope, before the descent to oblivion.

Grief and Guilt

 The world is a lot less brighter. All its colors are bleached out. The myriad of hues in the sky that would make me stop in my tracks to behold its beauty, does not even affect me anymore. How can a world in which you don't exist be beautiful? It never will be.

When a child loses a parent, he becomes an orphan, when a person loses a life partner he becomes a widower/widow. They say that there is no word for a parent who loses a child because the pain is unbearable. I do not believe that not naming a situation gives it more depth. Because the grief feels unsurmountable to me. Like I will never know true happiness again.

They say that it passes, that the grief goes away. That is where is my guilt comes in. Should it go away?

How can a world in which you don't exist be beautiful? It should never be.

It feels like a disservice to you and the memory of you - to not feel excruciating pain when I think of you, to not tear up. I know you would have wanted me to be happy, to move on, but what are we chasing in life? This life seems too long to live without you around. You went away too soon. You were my everything and I love you beyond measure. Sometimes I want to freeze in my tracks and melt away, seep in to the earth that took you.

Spring is here in all its glory, blooming with colors. 

But in my heart there will be no spring. There will always be a winter - my heart will always be buried 6 feet under the ground.