Comfort Space

You know what it feels like to be lonely in a crowd? It feels like being me.

A swarm of well meaning people with good intentions and poorly framed questions that prod and poke and bruise you... sometimes make you bleed. Why are people so stupid?

I once read somewhere that if you run into assholes all day, maybe you are the asshole. It makes me think that if I am unable to make that deep connection with anyone, if I can't fit, maybe there is something off about me. Maybe something went wrong and shaped me into this being who keeps distancing herself from  almost everyone.

Yet, it is me, excusing their bad behavior, their insensitive remarks, their accusations, their disappointments. Swallowing my caustic come backs, smiling, apologizing, yet holding my ground. 

"Talk to us" they say. I feel dissociated from myself, a part of me is observing my interactions with the world and it laughs till it can't breathe. It's like talking to a wall... if you stare hard enough you can see your words bouncing back. You can talk all you want, they will never understand. Or even try to understand. Your perspective. What made you so bitter. What made you so inert. What made you so fragile, so sensitive and what made your heart turn to stone. 

 I think I found my comfort space. It's that world that you blur into where no one can reach you... zoned out. You nod yes and no, but don't comprehend. They obviously don't understand you. You pretend to understand them. You wear your best smile, try to be the ideal girl from a brown household. They don't know how dead you feel. After a painful few minutes, you have your apartment to yourself... your things strewn all across the floor. The chair with a mountain of clothes piled up that threaten to topple over if you add as much as a sock to it, stares at you. Your blinds are shut and the sunlight begs to come in, it flirts with the horizontal gaps between the slats. You turn your back to the window and toss in bed staring at the phallic stain that rain water left on your roof and chuckle as tears wet your pillow. After the heart numbs again you will plan how to make your upcoming week productive. You'll make a task list on your phone. It's so comforting to check boxes off and hear the phone go 'ting'!

You close your eyes and slip back to nothingness. Silence. Peace. You'll make it through today and 'live' another day.