Reflection

People who lack insight baffle me. People who act holier-than-thou, know exactly what you should be doing in your life and moral policing you without stopping to reflect on their own flaws infuriate me so much. 

Allah hid their flaws. Allah did not reveal to the world what filth they are a part of in their private lives. 

Does it not scare them? That if our sins which have such a huge punishment in this world, are being concealed, what punishment awaits us in the hereafter?

Yet, they have the audacity to point fingers at others. 

How does it not eat you up from inside? The things you do or the things you did? How do you even have the time to discuss what you think others are doing wrong?

The arrogance - the pride - the double standards - looking down on others - for their lineage, for belonging to a certain area - it disgusts me. 

Sometimes I want to scream at the top of my lungs and shake them so hard to hear if their empty brains rattle in their skulls. But I can't. Is it anger? Or is it truly grief, that I also love these people and can't do anything about it but dissociate from them? When what I really want is to be held, to be loved, without questions. But it's a big ask. And I won't ask for it. Maybe that ego and arrogance and pride lies in me too. Maybe I too am filled with so much anger that it has blinded me - to my own flaws. 

I think prayers to Allah should include prayers for clarity of thought, for clarity of heart and for the ability to reflect on ourselves more than anyone else. For us to find the courage to accept our flaws, to ask forgiveness for it, and to be able to work on the path to betterment as a person - since that cannot happen till we admit that there is something wrong, something flawed, something human ... 
In the end apart from asking for forgiveness from Allah, we also should ask for courage - for us to forgive ourselves and those we think wronged us. And this is the hardest part for a mere mortal to do - since forgiveness is truly a divine attribute.

Mother Daughter Things

Some days, I feel demotivated. 
No reason. 
But just this feeling that I could just lay in bed all day. Turn off my phone, just lay there and maybe sleep. So I can feel nothing and also stop feeling the nothingness if you know what I mean.

I can't explain where these episodes come from. 

When they have dragged on long enough and I have not let them affect my life as I keep going to work, doing my tasks, slowly and steadily, refusing to give in to the feeling of just melting away - the restlessness kicks in. 

And there it is. I now know what it was all along. I miss talking to my mother and doing mother-daughter things. 
Mother daughter things are not special things. But they become special once you can't do them anymore.

If I were to write them down I wouldn't know where to begin.
Maybe just venting to my mom in Urdu while she replies in Kashmiri and the conversation goes on ,  ever so smoothly. I even miss the useless arguements. Doing beauty treatments on each other. Giggling like little girls. Inside jokes. Gossips. Asking her for recipies. Or asking her to cook chilly chicken - or maesch kebab. Picking out each other's clothes. Wearing her clothes while she tells me to lose weight as I should not be fitting in her clothes - not taking offence. Being spoilt. Being fed by her hand. Being at my worst and still being loved. Sharing our mutual frustrations about men. And boys. 

The feeling will eventually pass away - temporarily. Maybe I will stare at her pictures for too long and burst out in a cathartic crying session. Till the cycle repeats itself.

If there were a next life, I would ask for you to be my daughter. So I could love you like a mother - a love like no other. I could spoil you too, give you whatever your heart desires. I would protect you - from heart breaks and mean people - or atleast try my best to.
Since our belief tells us there will be no second life on this earth, maybe God can one day give me a daughter to do mother-daughter things with. 
I would love to grow with her and  I love her so much already- even when she is just a figment of my imagination (with a pre-decided name).
I would love to see what mother daughter things she wants to do with me, what new things she teaches me. I hope she is with you right now Mamma, getting all the love which she will miss on earth. 
And if she is with you - I am willing to wait for my turn to be with her too - no matter how long. 

Be well in heaven.